Thursday, July 31, 2008

Season's Come and Season's Go...

Friday will be our last "regular season game" this year.  After that it's all tournament style, the thought of this has given me an ulcer the size of Tim's areola.  This week we play at CP2 at 6:30.  That is the 'main' field.  Go to the corner of Coolidge and Oak Park Blvd turn west and go one block to the softball field there.

Leah said she would bring beer, and I think someone else said they would too....I can't remember.  Cross get on that, we might need a lot, especially if people are going go over to The Bonsall's after the game, I expect a Shit Show.  Sounds like we are going to have the meat and potato's of our team this week, and we are going to need it because we are going to find ourselves in a vicious cockfight with Son's of Pitches this week.  They are 8-4 overall, and I have deep seeded hate and aggression toward this team for several reasons.  Nothing would please me more than to come out with a couple of victory's.  Should that happen, don't be surprised to find yourself being high fived, ass slapped, or with both our hands clasped with our arms extended as we spin in circles with tears of laughter running down our apple red cheeks.
I've been battling some sort of respiratory infection Timmy was kind enough to bring back with him from Wisconsin.  I'm coughing like I'm married to Edgar Allen Poe, and sniffing like I'm a stock broker in Manhattan in the mid 1980's.  I've developed quit a little Dextromethorphan habit in the last few days, so if I start talking about little green monkey's or asking to borrow money tomorrow just ignore me and give me a bottle of Tussin and send me on my way.  Got to go, Roadhouse is on tonight, and I've already missed the beginning, so I now I won't be able to catch up on the complex character development or plot line F!  Someone remind me to talk about T-Shirts for Port Hope tomorrow.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Week Six...

With 18 days to go before the Port Hope Kickball Tournament I'm filled with panic and excitement!  But also hope...  

With Double Deuce carrying a record of 3-9 I'm finding the tournament as the biggest ray of sunshine to salvage the season.  The league title has been out of reach since Week One, and we are going to have to play perfect in the playoffs to give ourselves a chance to compete there.  The only way I see it is we need to keep the steady pace of improvement going and hopefully peak on August 16th.  I think we have been getting better and better every week and have nothing to be ashamed of as a 3-9 record would suggest.  I don't know how many of you read Tim's blog, but a couple of weeks ago he brought up the point that he has been finishing his races close to the top, but can't get over the hump and win one.  I feel like we are in a similar situation.  I think each and every person has gotten better as the year has gone on, and we are playing better as a team.  That's why this week was by far the most frustrated I have ever been at a kickball game.  We had all the pieces there to win at least one of those games, but for several different reasons we couldn't put it together.  

When it comes down to it kicking is the biggest of our problems, of whom I am the chief sinner.  It's the one thing we don't have figured out.  I talked to a couple of gurus to come in and help focus on what we need to do, but all the credible ones are working for Olympic teams...I guess we will have to figure this one out alone.  We just need to continue to play the field on defense.  Run to the ball, get into the game.

This is the toughest week yet to pick Ass of the Week.  Autum was mean as a snake and fought me at every turn, but that's about par for the course so no big whoop there.  Cross fell in such a way that I thought he was going to be the Joe Theismann of kickball, but everything worked out fine so I would like to take this time to officially laugh at him for falling and looking like a total ass.  Andrew Scriver saved us, by filled in for an injured player and in true competitor fashion laid out for the ball in an attempt to get in front of it.  But one story is much more interesting.  

For the second week in a row I had to scramble to get players, I managed to come across a den of them right where I spend a majority of my days, at my desk.  Matt Hambright played last week, and his sister Gretchen sits right next to me.  On the other side of me sits Richard Chadwick a long time friend of Matt.  The idea presented itself and there we had it  Matt, Dick, Gretchen, and Matt's wife Julie...boom we playin' kickball people.  Chadwick, being the prideful trash-talker he is, spent about 30 hours straight telling Hambright how awesome of an athlete he is and how much he is going to enjoy dominating one of his favorite childhood games again.  The key word here is "Athlete", I even crossed out "Chadwick" on the batting order and replaced it with "Athlete".  We all get to the field and there's Chadwick, mid-thirty's, 25lbs overweight, lovely and supportive wife and son in tow, and wearing sunglasses and metal cleats....looking good.  Chadwick get's his first pitch of the game and clearly LOVES IT!  He kicks a beautiful hit down third baseline that is erroneously called foul, I think the ump got a text or was checking the Tigers score on the phone at that moment.  However, in the middle of Chadwick's great effort he used up all of his athleticism and blew out his quad on his kicking leg.  I was coaching first and as he ran to me he looked bad, well dressed and stylish, but bad.  He had to do a painful re-kick, and low and behold he does almost the exact same thing and gets on base again....but his day was over.  He managed to make it to the top of the 5th before being replaced, and the second he went out of the game the whole day went to shit.  The next kick was a homerun to his position, and the Solo Raiders might as well have kicked me in the groin with each player in the line up.  

That could totally be Chadwick behind that mask, now go out
there and get some of that sweet sweet Maggy Gyllenhaal ass.  Gross.

For this Chadwick, you get "Ass of the Week", but it's not for what you think.  It's not for talking a bunch of trash for which Captain Karma pretty much Tonya Harding'ed you.  
That kind of mouthy-ness is encouraged on this team.  It's for living the mantra of this summer #1 popcorn movie "Dark Knight", "It's better to die a hero, than live long enough to be a villain.".  You couldn't have played it better, as soon as you went out we fell apart.  Way to go Richard Chadwick, you are truly an Ass.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Week Five...

I'm pretty happy with the way things went Friday.  Granted, we were playing against a bunch of people that had never played before and had no idea what they were doing, but when you're 1-7 you take what you can get.  With, Brian, Shannon , Strong, Jen, Lauren, Tim, Aman, Leah, Autum, Fox, Jacki, Steve, and Erica all unavailable to make the game I had my work cut out for me trying to get a team together.  (Side note: HBO has a documentary about Heidi Fleiss starting a brothel in Nevada on right now.  Sounds good right?  7 minutes in I'm rating it unwatchable.)  Lucky for me, and the rest of the team, Kerri Dhyse was on point and picked up two quality girls from work.  

However, at about 1 o'clock Friday I found myself one dude short.  I had made a couple of calls with little success.  Then in a stroke of genius I called my old co-worker Matt Hambright, a 6' 6" 235lb monster who apparently hates kickball's because he kicked them like they stood his sister up for prom.  

The ACS girls, Megan and Holly showed up and played great.  (So now I'm watching Beerfest, quality comedy, but I don't like that the beer in the last scene is CGI, seems to forced.)  The whole team played great defense from the get go, and being a defensive minded player this got me motivated.  I ended up making the best catch of my life, it was a lovely over the shoulder Willie Mays meets Jerry Rice meets an unathletic fat 12 year old boy taking his first ballet lesson for Blair's cousin Geri from The Facts of Life. (Ah, Brewsters Millions is on, good night on HBO.  If anyone was trying to think of a good gift to get me I'll take the Richard Pryor Box Set "And It's Deep Too".  It's a 9 CD set, you can get it on, I've had my eye on it for a while).

"Ass of the Week" honors could go several ways again.  Angela LaRosa ran the bases like she was trying out for he U.S. Olympic team.  After reaching first on the 1st baseman's error, Ang was no longer satisfied with just reaching first anymore.  After a poor throw got away from the defense Ang rounded 1st and went straight to second.  She then sat patiently while the next kicker placed a ball that would have for sure been a forced out if she had ran.  The next kicker advanced her to third, and the one after that brought her home.  The funny part was that as she was leaving the dugout she handed her sunglasses to Cross and said "Hold these please." to which he replied, "You'll get them back after you score."  Hambright, should be noticed for hitting for the cycle, Megan and Holly 'get some' for playing very smart and heading out to the bar afterwards.  However, "Ass of the Week" goes to Kerri.  Not only did she pitch well, get on base several times, and score a run, she has been key in getting the team ready to play the past couple of weeks.  Way to go Kerri!

Kerri is the subject of the first Kickball Korner "Separated at Birth".  Way to go on the 2'fer Kelly Kapowski, er...I mean Kerri!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Who are these guys?

Look at those two little guys!  What do you think they were talking about?  I would like to think that they were discussing defensive strategy's and kickball player placement.  See the little field they were playing with?  I think the bow tie is my favorite part of the picture, that and the hansom kid in the red shirt.

The game this week is 6:30 at MCF, which is at Coolidge and Oak Park Blvd behind the pool at the main facility.  We have a bathroom this week! 

So far this week for guys we have: Me, Cross, Mike, and Todd, Steve might be in as well, we will find out soon.
For girls I have: Autum, Erica, Sarah, Ang.  So I'm open to ideas on people to get to play.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Week Four...

Kurt Cobain once said "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."  He also said "Do you have any shotguns with toe attachments?"...what?  To soon?  It's been 14 years people, I know that might come as a shock to our senior teammates.....Aman, Erica I'm talking to you.  I can picture Erica lighting a candle April 5, 1994 and saying something profound to her classmates like "he was speaking right to me." he's gone Lil'E, let him go.
Wash your hair Kurt
For the purposes of this week's write up I want to focus on Kurt's first quote.  I thought it was relevant based on the team we played Friday.  Abba Zabba is a great example of what I don't want a kickball team to be.  They are very good, we would have to play perfect in order to have a chance to beat them.  They are going to win the league title and be the heavy favorite in the playoffs, that's a fact.  They are also a bunch of Assholes.  I look at Abba Zabba and I don't see the "kickball spirit" I see in Double Deuce.  

"I would rather play for a kickball team that had a losing record, that I loved, than play for a winning team I hated." - Ryan Woodke

However, what I do want to see more of is people "getting in the game".  The outfield should treat every play like a pickle situation.  Get in there and back up 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.  Cover home if need be.  Think about what you need to do with the ball if it comes to you.  How should we adjust when a guy is up compared to a girl.  Play the field, not your position.

"Ass of the Week" could go in a few different directions this week.  The Toddster made his debut this week and played great, Dan and Jamie also made there first appearance and showed lots of promise.  I always like to give credit to people who come out and don't know a lot of players on the team, thanks to Kerri and Erica for helping with the subs this week.  A couple people mentioned that I could get it this week, I have to tell the truth, my throat was a little sore after the game because I don't think I stopped yelling the whole time.  If I would have scored that run I would have considered giving myself the nod, but I didn't.
I think in the end the "Ass of the Week" is a no brainer.  It has to go to Timmy.  Not only did he unwittingly make one of the most amazing plays I've seen when the ball went through his legs on his way home, he brought every single member of his family to the game.  Tim, since it is summer and you wear a helmet 15 hours a day, I think you should have Ang cut your hair like this dude I saw at the Tigers game a few weeks ago.  So way to go T-DOG on a great "Ass of the Week" performance.

Let me know if you are in or out this week, it's a screwy week and we are going to have a hard time getting at team together.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

HoCo Korner 2

The caption to this picture read:
"Sisters Addison and Maria each won a rod and reel in the kids' drawing."

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Big Gulp's Huh? Alright. Well, See Ya Later...

It's the 7-11 game so, don't forget your Slurpee's!  Get it?  Because the date of the game is the same as the popular convenience store 7-Eleven that became famous because of there delicious Slurpee's, and this is pretty funny too.

The game is at Tyler 1, which is on 11 Mile between Coolidge and Greenfield.  Turn at the light at Tyler Rd.  We played the Jerkstore at the same field, no bathroom.  Game time is 6:30.  Kerri and I are bringing beer (You are responsible for your own Big Gulp cup).

We got 3 new people showing up to get a full squad so make sure they feel welcome for helping us out.  It's going to be a tough game so be prepared. 

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Independence Day Weekend Part 2

Like I said last week, I was the "Don King of Port Hope Kickball" this past weekend.  As I have also said a few times my town does a lot for the Holiday weekend.  Fireworks are always on Saturday night and the Parade is always Sunday at 2pm.  I've been in this parade or watched it every year of my life.  I have not been in it since my brother and I had a float for Woodke Lawn Service back in 1992, well I figured 16 years on the shelf was enough.  

I needed to get the word out about the 2nd Annual Port Hope Kickball Tournament on August 15th and 16th and have a little fun at the same time.  Lucky for me our Short Stop Tim Finkel and catcher/outfielder Angela LaRosa happened to be in town that same weekend and helped me out.  Every year the Port Hope Parade has 4 things, tractors (probably 150 of them), queens (not like a Ferndale parade, but bean, sugar, 4H...), politicians (big election year this year), and sun shine (it has never rained on a Port Hope Parade).  So I decided to lampoon all 4 all in one float.  Lucky for me my dad had his 1944 McCormick Farmall "A" tractor home.  So I had a tractor.  Finding a queen was a little harder.  I asked a couple girls who I thought would be up for it, but was turned down.  Undeterred, I caught wind that Mark McTaggart and his girlfriend Keri Barnett (think I dicked up the spelling) were going to be in town.  Long story short about Mark and Keri, they are a ton of fun and some of my favorite people that I don't get to see very often, but when we do get together it usually ends at about 4-5 in the morning in Mark's mothers kitchen making deviled eggs.

I asked and Keri agreed to be the first ever Kickball Queen probably in the history of the known universe, and Mark agreed to drive the tractor.  Now I needed a politician, I found that guy when I looked in the mirror, now I needed some sunshine.  I flashed a quick smile, and BOOM!  There it was.  Now I had a Float.  Mix in Tim and Ang handing out flyers a couple kickball's 12 Miller High Life's, and now we are partyin'.  Keri wore a dress that couldn't have been more perfect, I went straight to Marv's closet and pulled out a fine short sleeved collard shirt, orange tie and I was set....Here is how it went down...
Keri, Mark and Ang getting ready, you can almost see the butterflies in the tummy's.  Keri and I walked pasted the Bean Queen right before the parade started, they waved and said "hi" and I said "you realize you are completely mocking her right now right?"
Me and the Queen making another Kickball Dream come true.
Tim getting a shot of me and the Flyer.

Queen Keri "Gettin' Some!"
Keri's best quote was as we are pulling onto Main St.: "This is so F**ki*g Cool."
Mark's best quote: "Keri, you might be in the Paper!"  (how cool would that have been for a "HoCo Korner?)
God I'm an idiot.
Doing a little politician...  I did run over and kiss my Grandma at one point.
Here's Ang, doing a great job pick out the "Target Market".
I bet I ran a mile in that Parade, but like Tim said "It's like your wedding, you plan and plan and it's over in a second."

Once again, just another great great kickball experience in Port Hope, I really think I got something growing there.  Special thanks to my sisters-in-law Cathy and Gretchen, my Mom and Dad, brother Greg, Keri, Mark, Tim, and Ang who all gave me all the help I needed to make it happen.

Let me know if you are in or out this week, I think we have a short staff (story of my life).

Independence Day Weekend Part 1

I got a say, the 4th of July is one of my favorite times of year.  I've spent all 28 of my Independence Day's in the sleepy little town of Port Hope, that weekend the village turns into a hustling and bustling Metropolis.  I get to see people I only see once or twice a year, the Hotel is always full and of course, tractor pulls, flea markets, fireworks, campfires, parades, blah blah blah.  Sunday I spent a little to much time in the sun and got burned up pretty good.  

This morning I got on the elevator and right after I hit the button a very attractive girl got on after me.  As she got on she quickly scanned the handful of occupants and we caught eyes for a second.  It's funny how much can happen in a flash.  For an instant I thought, "is she checking me out?".  Remember this is right at 8 o'clock, so I wasn't thinking clearly.  After realizing that that couldn't be it I became temporarily telepathic and could read her thoughts, and as we locked eyes I could tell she was thinking "I wonder if the fireman that pulled that horribly disfigured burn victim from that house fire was cute."  

After the 30th person said, "get a little sun this weekend?"   I became annoyed and started telling people it was a new tanning lotion I was trying out, I figured if this guy can get away with it, so can I.
I'm still working on my pose, but I figured if I started spiking my hair it would become more natural looking.  Now I just have to make if through the week without cursing at someone, I plan on staying close to my desk for the duration.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Port Hope State of Mind

With the 4th of July looming, I may have "mentally checked out" a little premature, I think it was around Monday at 10:15...I went as long as I could.

The extra long day-dreaming sessions added to the lack of pressure from not having to play a game this Friday has proven very beneficial for the Port Hope Kickball Tournament in August.  I have become extremely motivated in the recent days to getting as many teams as possible for this year.  I have put together some informative flyers and posters and hope to get a Float in the parade this Sunday.  Basically I'm going to be the Don King of Kickball from Thursday night to Monday afternoon, and I'm really looking forward to it.
I'm sure it goes without saying but I'm really looking forward to this years tournament, and instead of going on and on like I usually do, I'm just going to post some pics from last year.

Everyone!  Come see how good we look!

Uncle Ry-Bread was pooped!
I think my pants just got shorter!

My Special Little Guy.

This is what happens when trains run on the same tracks.

Taken a break.

Tim is looking....well, like Leah

Must be early in the night...Looking good Ladies.

We are both two fisting, but I think it's for different reasons.

Nothing but good decision making going on here.